Out of the blue, my favourite loved one was demanding change.
All of a sudden, I wasn't enough. It felt very dark. He felt very dark. I cried and cried.
The next day I cried more.
His texts were to the point and conditional.
We met for dinner, and even though I had intended for joy, I was still mad.
I hurt.
I wanted to explain to him that whatever changes were now so urgent
were coming across as crazy
and wreaking havoc.
I wanted to explain to him that change was ok.
As I partly explained that to myself, I wasn't sure why I felt so hard hit.
After dinner we went for a
walk.
I found out that he had been altering his system to achieve balance.
I found out that he wasn't
happy with himself.
I found out that he wanted
to feel more “In control,” like a “Man."
Before me, was a stranger.
The reason I felt so alone
was because I was alone.
My soul mate had abandoned
his heart to feel more “In control.”
I had felt this exit even
though I thought it was his words that beat on me.
It was the saddest thing for
me to watch-- my loved one beat on himself.
It was the saddest thing to
hear him tell me that his beautiful heart was what he hated about
himself.
It was the saddest thing to
see reflected in him, my own self hatred.
I cried more and told him
that I couldn't feel him, that he was someone else, somewhere else.
He felt “In control.”
He felt “In control.”
Through tears, I asked him to
go to those who loved him and to ask them what they loved about him
and they would say his softness and his kindness and his compassion.
But he didn't, “Feel like that.”
I couldn't make him feel
like that, but I could feel my own heart.
He had been my
defibrillator.
I had 'talked' about opening
my heart chakra, but I needed this deep shock to open up to my pain.
I now realize that being “In control” is useless without heart.
I now vow to love myself
just the way I am
I am grateful for my
teachers.
Regina Eustace is a contributing author to the books Divine Inspirations - Stories of Awakening and Empowerment by Everyday Lightworkers and The Gratitude Project - Celebrating 365 Days of Gratitude. Click on Book PhotoOther Blog Posts by Regina: Protect What You Love, Where Does My Intention Lie? People With Passion Lady Gaga Interview with Oprah, Fair Play To Those Who Dare To Dream, My Train has Come, My Cat Knows What She Wants, I Am Human, Surprise!, In Love with Me, We Can Become One, I'm Over That, The Wild Woman of Zumba, The Attitude of Success, Come In, My Love Plant, My Tears, The Room of the Past, Lady Bugs are Lucky, Welcome Home, Shattering Beliefs
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